A telephonic nightmare- #fiction #humour #fun

A fictitious dialogue between me and the IVRS system that I always encounter when I do my Phone banking. I strongly suspect that these are put on earth to test us, our patience, our logical thinking and how quickly we can age in a matter of minutes. πŸ˜‰

Photo courtesy: Dreamstime.com

Self: (dials 1800-please-help-me- Bank)

Automated Evil Robot Voice (AEVR): Welcome to ABC bank.

If you want to know about Banking services, press ‘1’.

If you want to know about debit cards/ credit cards, press ‘2’.

If you want to sign off all your worldly savings to charity, press ‘3’.

If you want to be told how to use (read ‘squander’) Β your money, press ‘4’.

If you want to learn how we craftily get people to take up loans with us, press ‘5’.

If you want to aimlessly bounce about from one department to another while we decide which CSR can do absolutely nothing to help you, please press ‘6’.

If you want to know the difference between Futures and Options and the dimensions of a Pan Pizza base, press ‘7’. {Ha ha, caught you with that one πŸ˜‰ }

If you want to be connected with your personal banking agent, press ‘8’ and listen to the entire operatic version ofΒ Die Meistersinger von NΓΌrnbergΒ by Wagner (FYI, this piece is 5 hours and 15 minutes long)!

If you want to hear this entire menu again (because we know you have absolutely nothing to do with your life!), please press ‘9’.

At any point, please press ‘0’ to talk to our Customer Service Representative. Oh, by the way, you will be told the entire sequence again by a REAL human, so hope you have a comfortable cushion to lean back on.

Self: Er…. Um… Ah… WHAT!!??

Glumly, I hang up the phone, since I have forgotten why I called anyway. Sigh, maybe I’ll just send an e-mail to the bank.

Maybe I will get a Robotic response there too. But, hey, I doubt it will be as condescending as the AEVR. Well, I hope not πŸ˜‰



26 thoughts on “A telephonic nightmare- #fiction #humour #fun

  1. πŸ™‚ what can i say .. you know what i do now I ring the number that is fo the accounts department especially if you chose the option to PAY A BILL.. it takes Milliseconds for a representative to come on the line and THEN they can forward you πŸ™‚

  2. hahaha ROFL I hear you… I hear you… happened to me when I called ICICI bank and that too from Sydney… after lots of trial and error I finally got through to a representative… but by then my whole balance had drained out!!

  3. O how I hate these things! The worst is when you press the number you want and the call is disconnected, and then you have to hear all the options again.

    On a serious note though, IVR is a good example of how Indian companies, banks etc haven’t been able to think of doing anything better than simply mindlessly copying the silliest ideas from other countries and make them even worse!

  4. Ha ha ha…this was my first laugh of the day! Hilarious – not in reality though. You’re right, I wonder how people twice our age must be struggling with this menace.

  5. And I will press 0 for more eternal bliss πŸ˜€ I think this will help my patience ha!ha! Thanks for sharing funny, I just hope some ABC bank member might be reading it. It will help the logical process..!

  6. Rofl! Can’t stop laughing on how well you have jotted down the “real” conversation! Too good!
    These computarized elongated conversations get really annoying- when you know you just want to seek help from real operator. To reach that person you have to unlock the box inside a box inside a box!

  7. LOL Shailaja, very well said :). I have completely lost track of what I actually called about, just trying to keep track of these damn menus πŸ˜›

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