I know what you’re thinking. Most likely, what this guy is not afraid to say:
Your skeptical mind is saying, ‘1000 friends? Really?’
And five years ago, I would be standing where you are, saying that exact same thing! But, today, I stand on the other side of the boundary line. The lonely side, which I crossed into a while ago- the land of. . . Over Thousand Facebook Friends or to put it in short (OTFF)!
I don’t know how I got here. No, wait, I do. It is by clicking on the ‘Accept Request’ button on Facebook. (Droll, you say.)
OTFF, for me, has been a strange new domain. Every day, I sit down to cull my Friend list down to a reasonable number, such as, 923, but it doesn’t happen! As always, I make the cardinal mistake of starting with my friends alphabetically. By the time I reach ‘B’, my eyes are watering from the effort of scrolling through 200 names. (Why do SO MANY PEOPLE have names starting with ‘A’?)
How did I make all these friends? What a ridiculous question! By my winsome and fabulous personality, of course! I mean, five minutes with me in an FB chat and you realise that here is a soul you are destined to be friends with forever. All people know this instinctively. I think it is some unique ‘Friend fragrance’ that I emit through the virtual screens of this Web-connected world.
Facebook started off as a vaguely sticky connection tool to get back in touch with people you lost contact with over the years. Long-lost classmates, ex-colleagues from work, that distant relative on your mother’s side who saw you when you were four months old and who always exclaims ,’ How you’ve grown’, when you meet them at a family event once in twenty years: These are the people that can and do get in touch with you. Now, too late, you realise that you lost touch with some people for a reason- Karma. But Facebook does not believe in the Karmic principle. It goes out of its way to dredge up memories and souls from the past and present them to you in a sidebar, with the notice, ‘You may know these people’.
So, the most logical thing follows.
You click on a Suggested Friend.
You check for ‘Mutual friends’.
You realise you have half a friend in common.
You jump in joy.
And the inevitable happens.
Click ‘Accept’, of course. Not doing so would be WRONG! You could go to Eternal Damnation and rot forever in Purgatory, if you decline or, worse, block the person.
Of course, being in the Blogging space does put you at a slight disadvantage when it comes to declining friend requests. You visit a blogger periodically, comment on their posts and truly enjoy their writing. So, it’s only natural that they would want to be close friends with you and share every other intimate secret of their lives via a social network. I mean, the logic is mind-boggling in its simplicity!
So, the only thing you can do is totally annoy people in some way that they Un-friend you (God, I HATE that word!). Yes! Put the onus of the deletion on them! That will show them 😉
Tips that SHOULD work for this include:
- Post a status update everyday. Every three hours would be even better.
- Share a video of kids or animals or kids with animals. Again, once every two days should do the trick.
- Share a picture of an unclean coffee mug (Honestly, someone DID do this and I removed them in a hurry. I mean, unclean coffee mug today, waxed hair in the sink tomorrow, you never can tell!)
- Tell people that they are wrong. On their status. Do it rudely.
- Share a post that says ‘ Hit ‘Like’ and see what happens’.
After all this, if you still have over 1000 Facebook friends, then I am sorry to say that it’s your own fault. You must just be too nice or so scary that people fear the Hammer of Thor will wipe them out if they dare to un-friend you.
For the record, I love ALL my 1007 Facebook friends because they add up to the number ‘8’. Yes, I am whimsical that way.
As for those of you who have less than a hundred friends, I have one question for you:
Why are you on Facebook? Get over to My Space right away!
*Disclaimer: Since the world does have a way of misinterpreting things, I hereby declare that this post was written in jest. It reeks of sarcasm and is not aimed at anyone in particular.