Seeking relief

I’m supposed to be happy right now.

The week gone by has just seen the end of a wonderful and interesting blogging challenge that I curated and participated in, together with many other bloggers.

I enjoyed myself thoroughly. It was an energetic scene, the enthusiasm was contagious but I am strangely bereft of joy.

Why, you ask?

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I’ve had a very rough week. Given the circumstances of the situation I cannot go into details. In fact, I won’t even be sharing this post on Facebook which is where most of my traffic comes from, because I just need to get this out of my head.

I’m in pain. I am in actual mental anguish, unable to sleep (which probably explains why I am blogging about this at 11 pm on a Monday night) and afraid to close my eyes for fear that the episode will play itself on loop in my mind’s eye. Cursing the fact that I have a vivid imagination is of little use at the moment.

Meditation helps, but in sporadic bursts.

Watching a comedy takes the edge off the anxiety but it doesn’t last.

The silence in the house, which I generally treasure, has become overwhelmingly claustrophobic.

I’ve been reading up on post-traumatic stress disorder and the symptoms as well as the relief measures are clear. Putting them into practice is quite a challenge though.

The one saving grace is I am able to get out of the house twice a day for my walk now but I return  home and there’s that nameless fear all over again.

A part of me is very very angry with myself because I’ve considered myself a mentally strong person who survived depression and bipolar disorder and to be affected in this paralysing way by anxiety is a big defeat.

I know I shouldn’t be beating myself up. I say the same thing to countless others. And yet, I cannot help myself.

Just hope that I find the strength to come out of this loop soon. I need to, for my own sake.

*For those of you who may know what I am talking about, I request that you do not refer to it in the comments section in any way. Your support is appreciated.

20 thoughts on “Seeking relief

  1. Life is to be lived with all the strength. Good and Bad shall come and pass, nothing is constant. A strong faith can help you sail smoothly the hardest storm. Keep smiling 🙂

  2. You are a strong woman and I derive my strength from you and you know that…So stay strong, and know that this too will pass…you did a splendid job with the BarAThon!

    1. Thank you Shubhangi. I pray with all my heart that this shall pass soon. God doesn’t give me more than I am capable of handling. This much I know.

  3. “Even from a dark night, songs of beauty can be born”~Mary Ann Radmacher.

    It’s only human to feel the way you are feeling right now. Things will get better soon, as they always do. Take care 🙂

  4. I can feel from your words how extremely traumatic it must be to have experience that … but I hope with time you will learn to live with… I will not say that the memories won’t haunt you because they do … memories generally don’t fade away but we learn to live with it and grow stronger and perhaps even try to make sure that incidents like that don’t happen. I know you are strong and I know you will emerge stronger from this experience. Lots of love and hugs. Take care.

    1. Thank you Rajlakshmi. For the moment, not talking about it but written a long, private note and that seems to have helped. Somewhat. If things don’t look up soon I’ll probably meet with a therapist.

  5. Keep yourself busy and keep loved ones close. I know what you mean when you say knowing the right thing to do and doing it are two different things. Controlling your mind isn’t easy. I hope writing about it helps. It shall get better for sure so hang in there.

    1. Keeping myself busy with work but it’s the lull between jobs that terrify me. Mind is on overdrive at the moment. Thanks Tulika!

  6. “You need to find the strength to make it out of this loop” as you said. May you find that strength soon.
    This storm too, shall pass soon.

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